How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?