How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
No, you’re not getting it your honor
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
When he asks for feet pics
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*