how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
