how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Lmbo
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it