Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.