How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
You Might Also Like
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
War & Peace
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Me: ok, you boys need a break from screens, I’m taking you to the playground.
My sons: Sure, can we just finish this YouTube video?
Me: *checks* You are 11 mins into a 2hrs 30min video!
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈