How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word