How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
A wise man once said nothing.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
If you love someone, let them tweet.
At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.