How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
i wish i could marry a nap
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop