@Breadery

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

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@Vodkantots

In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.

I’d be considered proper there. Probably.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

@moose_chocolate

How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

@Glennot73

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

@miffedmim

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

@Laser_Cat

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

@therepoguy

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

@blimeyguvnor

I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it’s 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can’t get this horse off my couch