How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

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In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.

I’d be considered proper there. Probably.


I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.


How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?


FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this


I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%


You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.


Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.


Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.


I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it’s 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can’t get this horse off my couch