@Breadery

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

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@lecalabara

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

@stephenjmolloy

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

@Kernsti

When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies

@sara_ashlynn

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

@Mr_Kapowski

*hits a joint and talks with smoke in lungs*

Hey man, what if, like they infused a banana with marijuana and made a cannabananaoid?

@markedly

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

@SlickestOfRicks

“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen