Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?