How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it