How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
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[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.