SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
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Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
why isn’t thunder called soundning
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.