Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control