how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
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60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
How funny!
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it