how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
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8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*