how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded