how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
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Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me