how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card