How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
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Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.