How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
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Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Sounds like a bargain
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t