How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
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You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.