How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My dad.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon