How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Seas the day!!!!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Labreador
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US