How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
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Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”