How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
The honesty is refreshing
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…