How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY