How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
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Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Rambo Rambow
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
my fav colour is also hitler
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”