How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
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Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Boating season is upon us.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Meow
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy