How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
You Might Also Like
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
#gardening
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Cardio Made Easy
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”