The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
There is no “we” in pizza
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?