How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
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not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.