How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
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Interior design 👌
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.