Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles