Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

I’m aging like a fine banana

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Cause of death: Zumba

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay