How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
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Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”