—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
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I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
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Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”