—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
handsome & gretel
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.