Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.