“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
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in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
#ProTip
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter