How do you constantly lose your lighter even tho you’re the only one in the house?
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Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶