How do you constantly lose your lighter even tho you’re the only one in the house?
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I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.