How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
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I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
it must be school picture day
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
God has left this place
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
