“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Blocked: 1985
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
So true for me
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies