“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
be careful
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Solving a traffic jam
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping