“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I鈥檝e accumulated.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Hard not to take this personally
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it鈥檚 a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I鈥檓 wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I鈥檓 just wearing a normal hat.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
3: I DON鈥橳 NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today鈥檚 turkey.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Panda express…馃惗馃惥馃惣馃挩馃槄
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
When reading a friend鈥檚 work, always remember, it鈥檚 helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used