“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.