How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
doing your own taxes
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.