How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
You Might Also Like
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
FRED: right
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy