How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
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I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Posting this on behalf of a friend
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”