How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
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Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.