How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.