Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too