How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
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*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Breakfast for Stoners:
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
this isn’t threatening at all
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Can’t. Being lazy.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…