“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
You Might Also Like
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.