Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…