How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.