Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.