How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
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When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
They grow up so quick
