Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.