Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

I missed you with all my darts

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs