Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand