Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it