how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles