Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*