How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
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Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you