Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Called it

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Thursday Thought.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”