How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.