How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible