“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
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Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head