“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
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My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.