“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently