How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.