How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.